Moony-Brained

Yet every moon has a sunny side, and this includes a moony-brained boy like me.

One time I was walking on this beach in Australia. There were these lumps in the sand about the size of a hand. Well, the size of my hand at the time – so about the size of a child’s hand. These lumps were clams, or evidence of clams rather. You see this little lump in the sand, and you can just get in there and grab them. Little morsels left by the sea, ready to be cracked open, ready to transmit about two tons of sand onto your tongue. It isn’t a pleasant feeling but there’s something about getting sand in my mouth that always makes me want to laugh. I don’t know – maybe my teeth are ticklish.

I mean, there’s always something funny. Sometimes it’s very small like a grain of sand but it’s there.

Like one time I was eating out of garbage cans and dumpsters because I was homeless and penniless and I didn’t know anyone and I was hungry. And I randomly found this fresh loaf of bread. Like a really good loaf of bread. Not the kind you buy in the aisle, the kind you have to walk over to the part of the store where they pay people to just stand around and be ordered to slice meat as thin as can be. I mean, I know that kind of thing is a holdover from open market butchers but it still seems such an awkward mismatch with the modern grocery store. ANYWAY, I find this bread, this beautiful soft supple concoction of wheat and knowledge and time. I’m starving but I don’t eat it quite yet. In that moment I realize that there is a perfect dance for this moment. And I did that dance. And had a laugh at myself.

There’s a perfect little dance for every moment. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a subtle head wiggle, but it’s always there, waiting to be wiggled. I think that if there were recordings of me when I’ve been alone throughout the many years of my life, people would giggle endlessly at how often I’m doing a very silly improvised dance. I don’t do it when other people are around though for obvious reasons. I’m just way too shy for that. But I’ve always wondered if other people do that too. I find that funny, the idea of everyone secretly jiving when no one is looking, getting their wiggle on.

The one situation I consistently spot people doing something similar is waiting at red lights. You sometimes see them singing or dancing with more heart than they had on their wedding day. I used to purposefully slow down at yellow lights (instead of speeding up like a sane person), just to get a chance at seeing this red light talent show. I mean, what other places can you get that kind of thing? Cars have this special magic over people. They feel like they’re in a building or a room somewhere. No one can see them. It doesn’t matter that this thing has windows from every possible angle. People just go ham.

That really is the secret to being happy. You simply need to ignore everything else.

I’d say there are three main avenues to happiness: ignorance, delusion, and depravity. Not knowing something you could know, believing something you have no good reason to believe, or enjoying something you really shouldn’t be enjoying. Those are really your options.

Choosing to be ignorant is a tricky endeavor. You can certainly increase your general odds of being ignorant, but it’s difficult to get specific with it without accidentally stumbling over some knowledge. At that point you’re flirting with delusion at the minimum. And as for depravity, I can’t say I really want to recommend it. That’s a very messy can of worms. So yes! Delusion it is!

Focus in the moment, the now, and forget about as many things as you possibly can. Find that one bright spark that tickles your teeth, and bam, there’s a smile. Of course, the problem with delusion is that if you accidentally remember reality then the whole thing becomes ruined and you have to start all over again. Some people are better at it than others. Call it power of imagination. The great thing about it is that it works everywhere, in any situation. You can be trapped in a box, suffocating, terrified to die, but if you stop a moment and think about it, it can actually be pretty funny. Then you stop pounding on the wood and chuckle ruefully. Or maybe if you find it funny that’s the lack of oxygen getting to you. Hmm. Ignorance, delusion, depravity, and oxygen deprivation. Well, it’s a theory in progress.

We’re mining life for dopamine. I had this thing I could do when I was a kid. Maybe I can still do it but I’m afraid to try because I never understood what it was. I would concentrate for a moment, or something akin to concentrating, and then my brain would feel fuzzy and I would get this rush of feeling good. Like just pure joy. If I tried hard enough it could even leave me in a stupor. People talk about clarity after orgasm, and it was actually sort of similar to that, but milder and without the physical component. I can still do it, and sometimes I’m tempted but I always back off and leave it alone. It spooks me. I’ve always wondered if this was a thing other people could do too. Or maybe it was nothing. Or dopamine. Or a delusion of dopamine.

If there were a person who could be happy whenever they wanted, what would they do? Just like flipping a switch. Probably they would do nothing. If we’re just simple happiness seekers then they’d be set. It’d be like a reptile with a built in radiator. Wait that’s Godzilla. It’s like a Godzilla who sits around breathing on himself. I don’t like how this metaphor turned out.

Alright, I’m calling it. This moon has gone out of orbit.

Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight. Get down and right. I always do that – I always say “get down and right” when I know that isn’t the lyric. I just find it funny to go down and to the right while saying it. I don’t know. I have the worst sense of humor. I apologize.

Get down, get down, get down, get down…